ill

(In regards to feeling like ass and not having anyone to listen to me bitch or take care of me, once I leave work... and no one coming over to visit)

Me: Don't worry about it... I'm sure I'll die a quiet death in my apartment all alone...

R: You're not going to be one of those people that die and then their cats eat the corpse are you - cuz that'd be gross.

I'm a sucker!

There are a few blogs I read on a daily basis:
This Fish
Ari Goes Down
Joe Cut the Shit

I have no idea how to get their links in this post but I've linked them on the left so read them! I promise they're great! With that in mind, Ari started a posted called "I'm a sucker for..." and because of all of the "heavy" and possibly somewhat boring, what, three posts I've had I'm also going to do this list for ya... just to get my mind off of the drama that is my life lately. :-)

I'm a sucker for...

• Lilies - or if they're given to me, any flowers as long as theres true thought behind it.
• Shooting darts - you ask me, YES I will shoot a game or... seven with you.
• Chivalry-you know guys, when you pull out a chair or open my car door for me (especially if you're like me and don't have the fancy unlock button and actually have to use the KEY to unlock the door... letting me in before you get in gets you HUGE points.)
• Lasanga!
• My adorable nephew - how could you not melt for a kid that calls you "Dauntie" in his attempt to say "Auntie" .
• Compliments from any one of my guys - they're guys so it's rare that these come about but when they do... it shocks the hell out of me and melts my heart (even though it's usually something to do with darts but that's a big deal to them! sometimes they notice a haircut though and THAT is pretty huge!)
• Any country song I can sing along to.
• A hip hop song with a great beat I can dance to.
• Caramel Macchiattos or White Chocolate Mochas from Starbucks.
• Onion bagels with Garden Vegetable cream cheese... yum!
• A night out with all of the guys shooting darts.
• A night out with all of my girls singing karaoke!
• Dark Chocolate ANYTHING.
• Ben & Jerry's Neopolitan Dynamite.
• Any books by Nora Roberts (J.D. Robb), Nicholas Sparks, or Jennifer Weiner.
• Christmas Eve at my mom's, spending the entire day/night eating, laughing and watching the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story on TBS!
• House, Gilmore Girls, Lost.
• ALSO... MTV reality TV. I can't help it, I just get sucked in! I can't miss an episode of The Real World or any of the challenges with Real World and Road Rules. I also watch The Hills & Laguna Beach... I know it's crappy, ridiculous TV but I just get sucked in!
• Snuggling with someone special... whether it's watching TV or a move, on the couch or in bed... whatever.
• MySpace... I hate to even admit that but I get sucked in. I get angry when it happens which I why I hardly ever check it!
• My family... even though they are seriously nuts... you know how it goes.
• My friends... same reason. :-)
• Filling out things like this!
• The smell of bookstores (thanks for reminding me of this one Brandy!)

Now I should really get back to work... definitely NOT a sucker for that. :-)

Happy freaking Wednesday!

The BS that I was upset about on... Monday has not gotten any better, only worse since then. All I will say is that... the entire post about my wonderful boyfriend and all of the mushy crap? Apparently it was only one-sided... and merely on my side... and apparently that whole being faithful thing went right out the window. Now if anyone's ever been in a long distance relationship you'll know that the base of the relationship is TOTALLY on communication and the emotional part of the relationship (since you obviously aren't together so much for the physical). Well since he's been gone I've heard from him twice and apparently he's been calling his ex every day... and emailing her and has bought her something. Myspace... what a wonderful tool to use to fuck someone over. You think you know someone and then you find comments on their page from their ex DETAILING these conversations they're having with them and not YOU... it gets better. I message him (as he hadn't yet given me an email) and ask what's up with all this and he in turns responds with NOTHING is going on with his ex... BUT he feels that he just hasn't been missing as much as he should and as he feels SO SHITTY about doing this to me while he's away... he just doesn't see me so much as a lover anymore as he does a friend AND he just doesn't know what to do about this! CLASSY no? I told him that I knew what to do... long story, somewhat, short I ended it and haven't heard from him since. So... not really the way I thought that would go and I'm filled with anger and hurt from the betrayal but I know that I'll be able to move on while sometime in his life he'll realize how much he fucked up and what he lost.... at least that's what I keep telling myself... along with all of my wonderful friends (thank God for them). :-)

So NO more time spent on that because it's just not worth it.

Prior to all of this, I had a WONDERFUL weekend! Saturday was just so much fun. Got up, jumped on the treadmill and watched an episode of Gilmore Girls (WHAT!? I adore that show and have since the start! leave me alone...) talked to my roommate, Anita, and then jumped in the shower and got ready to go out with my dad and his gf, Kim. They picked me up (it's been so damn cold and my car isn't exactly the most reliable SO...) and we went to a brat fry at this bar I'm not particularly fond of (What's Up) and spent a few hours there killing time and drinking beer until we were to go to a comedy show. the show was HILARIOUS! the crowd... ha, not so much. I think everyone pounded a 40 before they walked in (LESS US of course!) because seriously... wow. there was all sorts of... special people there. but anyhoo...

A friend of our's, we shall call... A, met us there and then him and I went to meet up with his brother and his wife. My dad and his gf were supposed to follow but apparently got "tired" and went home (EW is what I say to that! they were SO not tired when we left and were pretty... handsy with one another. EW... Shut up that's my dad and it's gross!). So A & I just hung out with his brother and sister-in-law until they left and then we met up with some of his friends at another bar.

Let me say that A is SUCH a nice guy... and the poor kid has been asking me out for a few months now and I just happened to meet him JUST at the same time I was getting back together with my NOW ex so it just never happened. But now... I will most likely allow him to take me out on that date he's been asking for. Just need a little bit to deal with this BS, you see what I'm saying.

Anywayz... that night was SO fun and we went to one of his friends' apartments after and he even ordered me a pizza (well because without the pizza I would've been NO good to anyone... the guys made me play bar dice and we had... something like 4 BOMBS within an hour! and I'm a lightweight!) and paid for it! He wouldn't take my money! (granted I totally only had $7 but still... I tried!) we hung out there until... something like 5:30... sheesh! so come that next morning all I could think was how I was NOT leaving the house. BUT then it hit me like a crack in the mouth - SUPER BOWL SUNDAY. Wondyful.

I dragged my ass out of bed and at some point managed to get in the shower. My body was saying NOOOOO but I said shut the fuck up we're going you bitch! (I did. out loud... ok maybe not OUT LOUD but I don't need to. I'm talking to myself here people! I hear it regardless!) but I ended up going and I'm SO glad I did. Like I've said before most of my friends are guys and I just LOVE that.

Anyone who knows me OUTSIDE of this group would probably find this next thing odd but it's the truth regardless. I'm definitely "one of the guys" when I'm with this group. That's basically the only way they see me and that's the way I LOVE it (most of the time... sometimes I'd like to not have to remind them that I'm a girl with a VERY low tolerance and doing 40 shots in a row is just not AS fun for me as it is for them... you see what I'm saying). But the times that they DO recognize I'm a girl can go either way. Because either they're noticing... YA KNOW... that I'm a WOMAN. You know how that goes. but it'll be a comment that'll JUST start to come out and they'll stop because, well, it's ME and they realize we just don't do THAT. Or they want to give me a compliment and I faint from total and complete shock. The OTHER way is great. They are MY GUYS and no one will mess with me. I don't mean they freak out on other guys if they come up and talk to me, no. But all I have to do is give one of them (basically my boy, AP is the main one looking out for me) THAT look and they are there with their arm around me, staring the guy down. They will protect me and never allow a guy to mistreat me. Sometimes I have to stop them from being silly if they're drunk and someone is just being stupid beacuse honestly? So not worth a ride in the back of a cop car or the fines to follow... but most of the times, it's welcome protection and I feel very loved. Because ya know... if I'm one of the guys, how else are they showing their love?

On the other side, being the woman in the group (and also just who I am) I look out for them and take care of them. I do my best to make sure (my boy, AP especially) they eat something while (or before) we're out and things like that. If someone has too much to drink, I drive them home and SOMETIMES will take care of them then too. (I don't want them to get too used to that and have that become a horrible habit. wouldn't want them to think that's an awesome way to go). See, having a bunch of guys as friends can be so much easier then having other women as friends. Don't get me wrong... I love my girlfriends. But I don't have very many as I just don't trust a lot of people anymore (especially since I live in a small town and all anyone ever does around here is gossip and talk shit, like it's high school).

With guys if you're there to play video games and shoot darts and watch sports (HA yeah... just the Super Bowl for this girl most of the time!) you're in. Being there when they need you and listening to them when they want to have a drunk, serious, talk.. is all a lot of guys truly need. Now I'm in no way saying all guys are like MY guys... but I love my guys. and while they can be idiots and ignorant at times, they genuinely have good intentions and mainly will do anything for their friends. Now THAT is what I call a good guy... and I'm constantly surrounded by them... it's just too bad we only see each other as friends! Not that I'm wanting THAT with any of them, I'm just saying looking at them and seeing their good intentions and deep down the men they are going to turn into (ya know, after the drunken party faze is over and they move on and get married and all that) I'd love to find a man like any (well almost hehe) one of them.

Tonight is the night I get to hang out with all of them and I absolutely can not wait. Wednesday nights are the nights that we go out. A lot of us still go out on the weekends (some more then others) but Wednesday nights are the nights I go and watch my guys shoot for dart league and then after... KARAOKE! Yes seriously... shut up. It's my ONLY chance to sing and I just LOVE to sing. Not that I'm not up there before and after (MOSTLY) drunks who don't give a shit, but I really do. I love singing, it's the one thing I absolutely love and know I have a talent for... well most days. :-)

So I have a single hour left at my LOVELY job today and then I'm going out to dinner with my roommate, Anita and then for the first time (!) she's going to come and watch the guys shoot! It's going to be a blasty blast!

Have a wonderful night ya'll... because I know I will!!!

(Hopefully I'm not back tomorrow with a horribly hung-over post!)

I'd wish for another day... if I thought it'd make a difference...

SO... you ever have one of those days where you wake up and you just KNOW it's going to be a wretched day from the instant your eyes open? That's definitely how my day started...

First, I share an apartment with one of my good friends and, between the two of us, we have three cats. Yes, THREE. Two are mine and they are totally nut-so crazy bastards. They think it's all kinds of fun to torture me while I attempt to sleep (I truly think the fuckers know what they're doing when they're doing it too... they HAVE to!). First off, I wake up this morning with one of them ON my head. not laying next to my head, not near my head but ON it. Unfortunately, this is normal and TRULY obnoxious. I push him away and try and go back to sleep... clearly, I've initiated the "keep her awake until she kills us" game. I'm awakened every few minutes by him trying to "creep" back on top of my head. Finally i just threw him out the fucking window and said to hell with it... ;-) OK, so that's a total lie. I launched him across the room (or i pushed him off the bed... it's your choice to believe whichever one of those...) Anyway, finally that stopped... but then he's on the end table (which is far too cluttered to even hold another remote (yes there are 4 there already! what?!) but this cat decides his little ass can get right in there... because CLEARLY I've placed that cup of water there for them to drink out of at their leisure. So I'm awakened this time to the sound of him drinking out of my cup of water!! Little bastard I tell you! I scream at him to knock it off and he runs away... only to come back 40 seconds later, like I'm not going to remember he'd just been there, and try it again! This went on for some time until he finally left me alone... and started chasing the other damn cats around the apartment! Finally there was quiet, so i lay there in bed, totally pissed off and incredibly irritated, but content in hopes that I'd fall asleep rather quickly. And then... my FUCKING ALARM WENT OFF.

I laid there and all I could think was "you have got to be fucking kidding me."

Not a great way to start the morning but at least that was tolerable in comparison to the day I've had since then.

Since then, I logged onto Myspace and everything just fell apart... I've been having a hard time keeping it together just so I can get through the work day ever since.

Hope everyone else is having a MUCH better day then I am... and I hope this all gets sorted out ASAP... or I'm just going to go insane.

Later. :-)

Peace in the midwest... um sure...

Happy Friday!!!

Man did I write WAY too much yesterday... all about my relationship. Sheesh somebody shut me up! maybe I should just have someone standing next to me when I'm posting. That way when I start to get out of control with the rambling crazy posts they can just give me a good crack in the mouth... that'll be my cue to stop. I'm sure I could find someone to fill that position.

So another lovely day at work. I work in the accounts receivable department of a manufacturer. Our busiest times are the end/beginning of each month as we need to close each month out and with that need to enter everything prior to the close of the first working day of the month. That was yesterday and it's always rush, rush, rush and then once it's all in.... snoresville. Well for me anyway. That's where I'm at today. So BORED I could just stick my finger in my stapler so I have an excuse to leave. Give ya good impression on how dull it is? makes for a dull post talking about it. DONE with that.

BRRRRRR it is about 2 degrees here today and with the windchill about, oh, negative a hundred! I'm SO over winter already! I know it's only February 2nd but SERIOUSLY can we just have spring already??? Pretty pretty please? Oh right Mother Nature doesn't take requests... FINE be a bitch. ;-)

Anybody else ever feel like just punching the people you work with? Just curious... I don't mean someone in particular, just a random person passing you in the hall? Hmm maybe that's just me.

I'm excited for the weekend ahead of me. it's supposed to get colder so I fully intend on holing myself up in my apartment, snuggling up with a blanket & watching a TON of movies. (Including (but not limited to) Employee of the Month (now I will say that I think Jessica Simpson is an idiot but she shares the screen with Dane Cook who I think is HILARIOUS so I can't pass it up... hopefully she won't annoy me to the point of throwing things at the TV), Clerks (I've never seen it and I feel I should), Gone in 60 Seconds (never sat down and watched the whole thing) and Anchorman (because SERIOUSLY, I think Will Farrel is just too funny!). Maybe I'll get a friend in on it but if it's just me I'm cool with that too.

Supposed to go to a Super Bowl party on Sunday with my guys... it's likely I'll be in attendence but not participating in their insane drinking games. It's just too funny watching THEM get totally plowed by halftime to pass it up, even if I don't feel like drinking! They actually have a sheet of RULES they make everyone sign prior to the start of the game... no seriously. and if you don't abide by the rules... they just yell at you and tell you to "man up" (ok that's mainly just said to me because I'm not a big drinker but still... I always tell them it's quite difficult for me to "man up" with all of these GIRL parts and what not but I usually give it a go... try and pee standing up, you know how it goes. ;-) )

Soooo yeah, here's to hoping the weekend doesn't go by TOO fast and it's not SO damn cold! Fuck this weather is what I say!

Peace in the midwest ya'll
(tribute to Jessica Simpson's brillance... I'll explain if you don't watch this particular show and didn't get that)

Whole lot about... stuff..

Here I am at work, clearly having the time of my life, when I decided... not so much feeling like working right now... hmm, MAYBE I should finally take the time to write that first post for my blog and get it over with once and for all... I've been trying to figure out a way to start this for some time and just keep deleting, starting over, giving up, and then coming back another day to do it all over again. Today, I'm going to keep whatever I write... maybe it'll be better if it's just honest... we shall see won't we?

Here's as brief an intro as I can give - I'm a 22 year old woman, working & living in a small town in Wisconsin. I've lived here my entire life and, until just recently, thought I would most likely get married & have a family here as well but for the first time I've considered moving away, but more about that later. I'm in a relationship with a 22 year old man, who we shall call... A, in the interest of not completely disclosing all of my information, who is in the Air Force and is currently in Africa. I like to think that we're supposed to be together... blah, blah, blah mushy gushy stuff I know but bare with me a moment here while I explain! We dated for a year in high school and as most high school relationships go, ours was somewhat the norm - dramatic, explosive at times and intense. The feelings were as true as they could've been at 17-18 but it just wasn't the right time. Two years later we dated again but just before we'd gotten back together he'd started testing and all of that for the Air Force... and we learned he'd be leaving for basic training within the next year (although they weren't sure exactly when). At this point, I was scared out of my mind. I couldn't bare the thought of losing him, nor was I sure I could deal with the distance and be here to support him. SO, I ran. I pushed him as far away as I could... it's an awful point of my life and I hate to think about it as I don't know who I was then BUT at least now I've learned from it.

Now to the present, early in 2006 we started talking again but ONLY as friends. We were both involved in pretty serious relationships with other people so I made it clear that no matter what we were ONLY friends. He made it clear that while he still had strong feelings for me he'd do his best to oblige. At this point he was in Mississippi at tech school. Once he finished his schooling he came home in July and, as we still share friends, we all hung out. Everyone was saying we'd get back together because we were both single but i was bound and determined to prove them wrong... so as much as I felt for him I just pushed it away and denied it all, putting it all on being lonely and saying it wouldn't work anyway as he was only home for a short period and then heading to a base in SC. So, when he approached me on it I turned him down. Shortly after that he got back together with his ex and she pushed me out of his life. Not wanting to cause drama I backed down and walked out of his life, SO he wouldn't have to choose between me and her (I thought the concept was total BS but it wasn't my life. I thought I was better off with out). about a month (or two?) later he called to apologize for allowing that to happen and for dropping me as a friend. I was pretty pissed off about it and really wasn't having it. I gave him a hard time the entire time we were on the phone but after a while he wore me down and I agreed to give him another shot as my friend.

From that point on we starting talking on a semi-regular basis... which turned into a regular basis and then a DAILY basis. Our feelings for one another were hard to deny... he didn't but I did because the distance scared the shit out of me. You see, he's still got 3 years left. That's a long time to do the long distance thing and I wasn't sure I could do it. He'd made plans to come home for the holidays so I told him we'd discuss our "relationship" in person then. The first night he was home... that was it. We were back together instantly and we've been together ever since (just over a month or so). The distance within the states I could handle. there was always texting or a phone call every night before bed, but now... there's none of that. He's been over for about a week now and I've gotten two phone calls because that's just the way it goes. I'm not used to it yet and frankly, I'm having a hard time with it. I know it'll get easier (because, really it HAS to!) I've just got to be positive and all of that.

blah, blah, blah is what I say.

Oh right, did I not mention that I do that? say random nonsense? yeah... you may want to get used to that from me...

So much for a brief intro huh? Well I tend to ramble so... hopefully you'll bare with me until I get a bit more organized with my thoughts and this whole posting thing.

Ok I suppose I should actually do some work while I'm here before someone realizes what I'm up to (HA yeah that is all kinds of likely!)

To anyone reading (anyone?) have a wonderful day...